Self Care Your Way

If You're Happy and You Know It You Probably Scream

Today I’ll be talking about motherhood, index funds, intersectionality, and metal bands. You know, your average weekend fare.

Family Slice: Motherhood

This morning, I had an important conversation with my family. Ever since I came out, my kids have called me "Ima" - which is Hebrew for mama. As a matter of fact, when we had to ditch the name "Papa" because I didn't feel comfortable being called that anymore, we actually had a fun little moment with the kids. We asked them if they would prefer to call me "Ibu" (Indonesian for mama) or "Ima." So yes, Ima won, and it didn't take long for my kids to adjust to the new name. It was fun to have the kids choose my new mother name. I thought "Ima" was particularly cute. It also came with an added benefit: whenever I heard a child yell "Ima," I knew it was one of mine. Well, not in synagogue because so many moms go by "Ima" there, so that kinda messed with my brain haha.

As time went on, I began to notice how using 'Ima' affected our interactions in public. For example, when I'm at a playground and my daughter is not listening or doing something dangerous, she sometimes winces, as little girls her age do. I started getting super self-conscious about it because I've just been called "Ima" this entire time, and I've noticed some stares and have been wondering how safe it is for me to go to the playground with my girl because of that. The last thing I want is for people to start confronting me because they think that a stranger is telling a girl to go in her car, because they don't have the context that I'm her mother. Add the perception that people have of transgender people on top of that, and I think you can see my point.

Another dynamic that happened is because my kids call my wife "Mama," in public, other people address my wife as the parent because they don't have a reference for it to be anything else. At best, people see two women and assume we're friends and Kim is the mother, and at worst, they see a woman and a trans person and still assume that she's the mother because it's what their mental models tell them.

All of this to say is that while I really enjoy being called "Ima," it has also been wearing me down and making me uncomfortable in public. Besides the safety issue, I want people to know that I'm my babies' mother. While I didn't give birth to them, they are 100% my biological children, and I'm their mom!

So this morning, I had a serious talk with my wife and kids and told them that I would like them to call me "Mom" from now on. It'll be a little bit harder than last time since they're a little bit older, but they both said that they'll try their best. They started practicing right away, and that moment when they called me "Mom," I felt a jolt of happiness in my heart. I'm literally tearing up right now, y'all. I think the big lesson of all of this is that we can have great transition plans, but time and experience will tell what will truly help. I'll write a little bit more about dysphoria next week!

This Week’s (very long) Special

An airstrike killed 11 civilians in a northern town two days ago. At 1 AM on September 6, bombs dropped on the town of Namhkan, killing five men, four women, and two children. While this sounds like a story from Gaza, it actually occurred in Myanmar just two days ago. The Myanmar Civil War between the Military Junta and pro-democracy groups has had a devastating effect and in the Human Rights Watch 2023 report jarring statistics were reported. For example, over two million people were displaced, a number that has already risen over two million at the time of writing.

This is not the only devastating conflict that’s been going on. In Sudan, a civil war has displaced millions and increased the number of people needing humanitarian aid to nearly a quarter of the entire population. Meanwhile, in Nagorno-Karabakh, an entire region was ethnically cleansed in September 2023, with over 100,000 Armenians fleeing in just five days due to fears of being killed by Azerbaijan.

Why do these conflicts receive little attention despite awareness? One answer lies in their relevance to US interests, just look at this conflict tracker and compare the strategic impact to the US with the media coverage it gets (or doesn’t get). We're familiar with Ukraine as a buffer against Russia and Gaza due to Israel's strategic partnership with the US. However, this US-centric focus doesn't fully explain our apparent indifference to other global crises.

Here are two moral dilemmas:

Dilemma 1: Imagine you're a hospital security guard. You're watching over a corridor with two sections: one room housing six patients and, across the way, six separate rooms with only one occupied. Suddenly, you get an urgent call - a toxic gas cloud is headed your way! The ventilation system will funnel it to the six patients unless you flip a switch, redirecting it to the lone patient instead. The gas is visible now; you have mere seconds. What's your move?

Dilemma 2: Picture this: You're crossing a bridge over railroad tracks. You spot a towering figure - must be seven feet tall! - gazing down at some workers. They're oblivious, drilling away with heavy-duty headphones. Suddenly, you see a runaway freight train hurtling towards them. In a flash, you realize - pushing the big guy off the bridge on the tracks would derail the train, saving the workers but... well, you get it. Time's up - what do you do?

These moral dilemmas were my go-to conversation starters (I know, I’m a bit weird). They're tricky puzzles where every choice leads to a less-than-ideal outcome. Interestingly, most people say they'd flip the switch in the first scenario but wouldn't push the man in the second. Yet, aren't both situations essentially asking the same question - would you sacrifice one life to save many? The key difference lies in how direct the action feels. Flipping a switch seems less personal than physically pushing someone. This begs the question: why does the method of our involvement so dramatically influence our moral choices?

Now, here's a spicy take: living in a Western country makes our very existence a bit oppressive. Some of our actions feel like that direct push, while others are more like flipping a distant switch. Take the US arming Israel - it might feel like we're directly involved in Gaza's suffering. Or not arming Ukraine - are we letting Russia run amok? It's tempting to think boycotting or protesting solves everything, but reality's messier. We're often indirectly tied to conflicts we barely hear about. The UAE's meddling in Sudan's turmoil or the tangle of alliances in the Armenia-Azerbaijan conflict - these are our 'switch-flipping' moments. The question is: how do we navigate this moral maze when our actions, however distant, have real-world consequences?

But let's zoom out from geopolitics for a moment. Our moral maze extends beyond war zones. Consider this: opioid deaths in the US skyrocketed from 3,442 in 1999 to 14,716 in 2022. Heart disease claimed 695,547 lives in 2022, while cancer took 605,213. Shocking numbers, right? But here's the kicker - we're all indirectly involved in this too.

How? Well, it's not just about bombs and borders. Our financial choices - yes, even your 401k - are secret switches we're flipping every day. Unless you've crafted a perfectly ethical investment portfolio (kudos if you have!), chances are you're invested in whatever index fund your financial advisor told you, like the S&P 500. That means you're likely an unwitting backer of pharmaceutical giants pushing opioids, junk food empires contributing to heart disease, and, yes, those same defense contractors like RTX, LMT, and BA. If you have any investment in those three you’re likely contributing more to bombs in Gaza than your tax dollars do. In the worst case possible you’re paying an average $37.20¹ in tax dollars to send bombs to Gaza.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting we stuff our cash under mattresses or stop supporting causes we care about. Your ceasefire protests for Gaza? They matter! But if we only stick with protests without taking further steps we run the risk of viewing these protests as a form of absolution for our oppressive existence.

It's not about quitting Amazon cold turkey or ditching the S&P 500. It's about recognizing our power to change the system itself. It’s about divesting from harmful causes, but more importantly, investing in good ones. Run for office. Vote like your life depends on it - because someone's does. Chat with your friends about ethical investing. Every choice matters.

The Crust of the Matter: Intersectionality and the Church

Let's slice into something juicy: intersectionality and the Church. Fancy word, simple concept. Imagine you're baking a cake of oppression (not a tasty image, I know). Each layer - gender, race, sexuality - adds a unique flavor of marginalization.

Take women's healthcare. Ever had a doctor dismiss your pain? If you're nodding, you're not alone. Women often get a heaping serving of gaslighting at the doctor's office, sometimes with fatal results. It took until THIS year for the CDC to update guidelines about anesthesia during IUD placement. Seriously, folks?

Now, sprinkle in some racial bias. 31% of Asian women report facing discrimination at the doctor's. That's what Kimberlé Crenshaw calls "Oppression Squared" - a recipe for complex marginalization that's hard for others to fully grasp.

This is why some folks side-eye white men leading the Christian deconstruction movement. It's not about competence; it's about lived experience. As a trans woman, I thought for sure that I understood women's struggles. Until that one day when I got followed by a guy around a grocery store, who was breathing down my neck. One of my friends bluntly said: "Welcome to womanhood." Harsh, but eye-opening. Fast forward to today after sometimes having to run to my car out of fear for my safety, I now fully comprehend that I never experienced that level of harassment as a man.

The takeaway? If you're running an inclusive church (and no, having a gay child doesn't make you queer), are you actually putting marginalized folks in leadership? Or are you just slapping "gender neutral" on all the toilets? (Pro tip: some of us prefer single-stall or gender-only options. I know I don’t want to pee next to men)

Real change isn't just about good intentions. It's about those in power stepping aside to let an intersectional generation rise up. After all, you can't bake a truly inclusive cake without letting everyone into the kitchen.

If you would like to dive deeper into these topics, my “Crust of the Matter” typically is a recap of my paid newsletter that goes out on Thursdays. Besides supporting my writing work, you’ll also get exclusive access to that newsletter and you'll be able to directly message me. To upgrade your account or to subscribe click here.

(Sound) Bytes: Metal and Mental Health

Did you know that some folks are researching to see if screaming is actually good for your mental health? And when I say screaming I mean grunting and squealing in metal. So for today’s Bytes I want to talk about two of my favorite bands at the moment and I would love to hear who made it through watching these videos.

First up is my absolute favorite band at the moment: Lorna Shore. I’ve always been a fan of highly technical music and have my fair share of listening to the Dillinger Escape Plan and Protest the Hero. I just amazes me that each musician in Lorna Shore is so gifted - it’s an absolute pleasure to listen to them.

Here’s one of my favorite songs by them called “Into the Hellfire” - extra points if you make it past 4:30 because after the amazing guitar solo you’ll be treated with what I think is one of the most impressive vocal performances in the world. You may get nightmares though, haha.

Second up is a band that has been garnering more and more respect from me called Jinjer. They’re even more technical than Lorna Shore and mix clean vocals with grunts. This is their latest song called “Someone’s Daughter.”

For those who don’t know, I used to be a screamer in two high energy bands in the Netherlands. A few months ago some friends and I started a band and playing with them has really improved my mental health. The study has me thinking that they may be on to something!

Pie to Go

🧖🏽‍♀️ This week I’m going to Serenbe, just outside of Atlanta, for a staff retreat. While I don’t like being away from my family, this retreat is probably exactly what I need. The last few months have been extremely busy and I can use some tranquility around me. Any reading recommendations?

🏋🏽‍♀️ Last week was PR week for some reason. I just started going to the gym a little over 4 months ago so every week is kinda like a PR but last week was special. I was able to deadlift 205 lbs and benchpress 100 lbs. I’m not complaining here.

🥳 It’s my birthday tomorrow, yay! I’ll turn 43 which means that I probably can’t say that I just turned 40 anymore right? Haha. My wife and babies surprised me yesterday with yummy brekkie and gifts. I love spending birthdays with my family.

1. So far in 2024 the US has sent 12.5 billion dollars of military aid to Israel and there are about 168 million Americans who pay taxes and 50% of US income comes from individual tax returns. So this is a super rough estimate and not to be used as an actual data point. Instead it should be used to see how little of our tax payer money actually goes to warfare compared to how much our investments contribute to warfare.