Fulfilled but Undefined
Growing Into Someone I Don't Have Words For Yet
Good morning, beautiful humans! My kitchen counter (where I write these posts) is stuffed with microphones, a guitar, and a midi keyboard because I was recording some songs yesterday all while my coffee is dripping and my kids are cutely playing together. Summer Sunday mornings have their own special rhythm, don't they? Grab whatever caffeinated beverage brings you joy and settle in.
Family Slice
Last week we talked about Kim’s pet peeves, here are her words on the issue:
There’s a funny thing that happens when you’re raised the way most girls are in the US. Sometimes it’s through intention and sometimes it is the natural byproduct of what we’re surrounded with but we are given a story that we’re told is ours. It happened to me- “One day, you’ll meet a boy. He’ll ask permission to marry you, you’ll buy a house, and have babies.” The story was encouraged everywhere I looked, since it was the story of all my family members and most Disney channel movies of the week.
It’s important to say that the story is not bad. For many, that is exactly what they want. And I often find myself grateful for how my life unfolded because I wouldn’t have ended up where I am without it. But about a year ago a sweet person sent me a New York Times article that perfectly explains where I find myself these days. Thirteen years ago did I picture being married to a trans woman and proudly telling people that I am queer? Definitely not. And yet here I am, actively choosing this life and, unlike what some people may think, not being held hostage to it.
There is a grief that exists that my childhood stories are not reality. How much “easier” would it be to walk around as a family if more people saw us as ‘acceptable’? How many emotional, challenging conversations could we have been spared if Lana hadn’t confronted parts of herself that she’d neglected? And yet through all that I can see the better story emerge. One where our kids as well as Lana and myself can watch movies and meet friends that prove all types of families, all types of stories, are worth choosing.
This Week's Special
Richmond had another brutal temperature cycle this week, and it's got me thinking about climate change in very immediate, practical terms. When you're planning outdoor activities with kids and checking heat indices every morning, climate reality stops being abstract policy and becomes daily decision-making.
We've had to completely restructure our summer routines around the heat. Pool trips happen early in the morning or later in the evening. Playground visits are off the table during peak hours. Even our camping plans needed adjustment because sleeping in a tent when overnight temperatures don't drop below 80 degrees is its own special kind of misery.
What strikes me most is how climate change impacts different families unequally. We have air conditioning, flexible schedules, and the resources to adjust our plans around weather. We can afford to drive to indoor activities when it's too hot for outdoor ones. We have the privilege of choices that many families don't have.
But when I think about families without reliable cooling, parents working outdoor jobs with no flexibility, kids in schools without adequate air conditioning, the heat becomes a justice issue rather than just an inconvenience. Climate change isn't just an environmental problem - it's a deepening of existing inequalities.
The urgency feels different when you're the parent trying to keep kids safe and entertained while the world literally heats up around you. This isn't a problem for future generations to solve - it's the reality we're navigating right now, today, this summer.
The Crust of the Matter
Last Friday I continued my deep dive into Mark 4. I’ve been thinking a lot about the parable of the secretly growing seed and how transformation happens beneath the surface, in ways we cannot see or control. This week, watching my identity questions percolate without forcing resolution (as you’ll read in Momhood below), I'm seeing how that parable applies to personal growth.
We want change to be visible, measurable, dramatic. We want to plant seeds and see immediate sprouting. But the most significant transformations often happen underground, through processes we don't understand, on timelines we cannot control.
I think about how my understanding of myself as a woman, as a mother, as a minister has evolved over years of small, invisible shifts. Each day I woke up a little more myself than the day before, but the change was so gradual I couldn't see it happening. Only looking back can I see the growth that was occurring all along.
The farmer in Jesus's parable "sleeps and rises night and day, and the seed sprouts and grows, he does not know how." There's deep comfort in that not knowing. Sometimes our job is simply to plant seeds of love, justice, and authenticity, then trust the slow work of transformation to unfold in its own time.
Momhood
I don’t think I know who I am. SO much has changed in just the last 5 years and I’m quite overwhelmed at the moment. Yes, it is pretty logical that after transitioning, ASD awareness, and a whole professional stir-up I am overwhelmed but I feel like I’m renegotiating who I am and how I want to show up for the world.
To be honest, I feel fulfilled but I’m not quite sure how to define myself. I’m a mom for sure and I have very much enjoyed hanging with the kids this summer. But I don’t know who I am.
A concrete example is the eternal journey of womanhood. Looking at early transition photos I was so dead-set on looking as feminine as possible and to an extent I still enjoy that but I defiantly identify more futch than before.
One thing is certain, I’m becoming more confident than I ever was before and I’m trying out more new and healthy things than ever before. This extends to all the fields of my life and I reckon I’m practicing what I’m preaching and try to be as present as possible in the ambiguity and give up on the human desire to achieve certainty. There is no certainty to be had and there is no other goal in life than today. And today, I’m a pretty cool mom.
Pie To Go
🚴🏼♀️ I joined my first group bike ride with RambleRVA of the year! So much FUN! Richmond is surprisingly bikable, especially if you can avoid all the hills. I’m looking forward to the next one.
🎸 This Tuesday I’m going to Three Notched for an open mic. If you’re around, you should come by. I’ll be singing some originals that have never seen the light of day 😬
🎭 Speaking of cringy moments. I’m also going to a stand up open mic this week 😳 I always hear that I look so comfortable when I’m on stage but the reality is that I’m SUPER nervous. One day I checked out an open mic with my bestie and I saw so many people bomb and it was no big deal at all. So I’m doing this as exposure therapy and teaching my body it’s ok to be in uncomfortable places.
Thanks for being here, friends. Your presence in this space makes every week feel a little more connected.